Mixed Thoughts at Wednesday, March 14, 2007

If its one thing that I strongly believe, it is that human beings are not meant to be single. Go ahead refute me if you want to, I still stand by my belief. And I see myself under the same category. Over the years Ive gone from single to committed, to single to committed, to hating being single and finally experimenting and having fun with being single. Ill admit Im having fun now, but thats going to die out in a while, sooner or later everyone needs someone to love and I feel no different.

I have no idea what relation the above paragraph has to the rest of the post but I felt like writing that anyway...

Another year of college passed us by today. I kept telling everyone how I got that distinct 'season-finale of a sitcom' feeling all day. The last two years have always ended on a happy note, actually a high note. This year I was happy, but except for a few things here and there, it was pretty much an ordinary day.(Note quite the most memorable season finale Id say!). I realised the following things today (damn this is starting to sound like an answer paper!).

Firstly, it started to hit me that my TY friends wont be there anymore and today was probably one of the last days (or perhaps the last time) I see them in college. Secondly, the person that I was when I entered FY in June last year and the person that I am right now are different no doubt, but over time Ive seen that the core remains the same which is quite a reassuring factor. I thought that the equations I shared with all my friends were changed for the worse this year, but towards the end, it fell back into place. Also one of the most striking things is the new group of friends that I made this year. I kept looking at all of us today, as individuals and as a group and I realized that we were a varied bunch of individuals, who get along like a house on fire inspite of the differences in personality. Also hanging out with each other has not made us similar people, in fact we have become more distinct as individuals. But the important factor is that we accept each others differences.

Well, okay, coming back to the being single part.Over the past few months, Ive learnt to value committment (in my case that would mean not being too comfortable with it). My bro getting married has had a lot to do with this. Apart from the fact that I AM NOT looking forward to sitting on a horse in the middle of the road with a 5 kg helmet on my head while a bunch of bad dancers jump around me for atleast a decade, I also came to realise the fact that none of my relationships ever reached the level my brother's relationship has. Believe me its nothing to do with age here, its about finding that one person for you and being that one person for someone. Much as I would like to believe I havent found someone who did that for me at that level and neither did I. So I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to finding the right person.

Waiting for that person gets really unnerving at times. Actually most of the times to be honest. Eye-candy, crushes, casual dates, flings and the likes can only amuse you till a point, but when you realise that nothings going anywhere with any of the girls you like, it can be pretty bugging. Oscar and the others at 'the family' think I'll be the first one from the group to be married. They always thought of me as the committed type, and until recently I thought so too. Of course, now I want to experiment and have fun being single (all in a good way though). So well, Ive got 3 months of vacation ahead of me, lets see who I find and what I do.....cant wait, hope something happens soon. Till the, I guess Ill just have fun!

Maybe this waiting thing isnt so bad after all, takes some getting used to, but as long you have fun along the way and not get too pulled down by loneliness its fine....

Anyhoo, Ill scoot for now, bring on the comments please!

New Blog... at Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Well, Ive made myself a wordpress blog, its basically gonna be parallel to the GTC blog ( you will find all the posts Ive made here and your comments on them over there), but the only difference is that its just my blog, whereas GTC is a team blog (although u see me posting here most of the time). Im gonna post everything that I post there over here as well, Ive made a category here called Introspective Paz which will feature, as the name suggests my introspective stuff. All I need is for Oscar to update our theme so theres a sidebar which displays that category. Heres the link to my other blog...
Just Pazz...
See Ya here and there too!

From Memory Lane to Today.... at Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Well this post came to my mind a couple of nights ago when I suddenly woke up and couldn't get any sleep after that. While I was awake, my mind for some reason took me to my tenth standard picnic in Mahableshwar. I remember how I had a photo album of the trip (which I think Ive misplaced/ forgotten to take back from Velina.) So well there I was, lying wide awake in bed with the whole photo album flashing before my eyes like a Flickr slideshow or something. I started thinking about things back then. How I was, what kind of friends I had etc etc. Well come to think of it, I was in a room with 13 people (the rule allowed 5 but we got 8 more ppl in since we wanted all our 'friends' there), but not a single one could really be called a friend. I mean I never hung out with them besides school, never called them for anything other than school related stuff, and never really opened up to any of them. The trip was fun, a whole lot of fun. I remember how so many of my classmates started talking to me coz I was suddenly 'cool' according to them (for the simple reason that I didnt try to be cool like everyone else). And the one's who were friends already started to act like we were brothers or something (because they wanted to be tagged cool too). My teacher thought I was going bad, because I wore a cap backwards and wore shades and stuff (not at the same time) and started talking to 'bad' students. Goes to show how immature people were in judging each other during school years. Teachers too tag you as a saint or a devil child based on their own limited perception of what you are. When in fact you are neither. I remember hwo my class teacher was all disappointed in me because I had changed. I used to think for a while that Im a bad guy too, but then I just realized I was who I was all along, just that she got acquainted with me then.
Around the same time, I met my first girlfriend ( who was my first crush at that time). I remember how she too thought I was 'cool' and 'different' and 'cute' because unlike most other guys, I didnt try to hit on the girls, I didnt dress to impress and I looked like I didnt really care what people thought of me. I, in turn, thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me. We went on to have almost a year and a half long relationship, before she realized she wasnt on the same level as I was when it came to relationships. Amazing how she went from being 'the one' to almost a stranger today. Its been 2 and a half years since we broke up, in that time I had another year long relationship, but still when I see her, she looks at me with a level of awkwardness. I dont know whether the relationship or the break up is relevant anymore, I was a totally different person then and so was she. For crying out loud she was 15 when we got together. But its amazing how today even though Im 19 and not even a shadow of who I used to be, we cant have a decent fone convo like to 2 mature people. Once again, I guess she isnt on the same level of maturity. The reason why she even comes up in this post today despite all we've been through is because she was the first real friend I had. The first person who actually opened up to me and the first person I opened up to. And regardless of what happened with the relationship that means a lot to me and will always.
Coming into college, I made one of my best friends (who continues to be the same) Oscar. He and I have practically grown up together over the last 3 years. When I first met him, his hair was a disaster and so was mine, though we thought differently back then. He thought he'd never find someone to love (which he did later) and I thought Id never lose the one I loved (which I did later). We had a bunch of 'friends' too, but I guess they too didnt go beyond the level of friendship that I shared with the 13 random guys who crashed in my room at the picnic back in school. In SYJC, I became part of the group which we today call the Gangue Team Crew, which consists of some of the closest friends Ive ever made: Joel, Eben, Binoy, Oscar and Adley. I also became friends with Christine (I think Ive written enough abt her). Well things have changed with time, I dont know if everyone feels the same level of closeness that we once used to. We dont hang out like we used to, everyone is busy with something or the other (Im no exception). But despite all of that I'd like to tell you guys that you still are just as important to me as you were back then, actually you mean more now, and I hope that we havent grown apart while growing up. Its true things feel different when we hang out, but different in a good way none the less.
Another person Id like to write about is Ishrat. Im not going to talk about how I met her and what she did etc etc. Im gonna talk about how she has been an important part of me growing up. From talking randomly in college to speaking for hours on end on the fone to going on double dates to being there for each other when we were hurting to not being in contact for god knows why to being back in contact and closer than ever to god knows what else in the future. I guess she's been there at my highest and my lowest and the same goes for me. I love the connection I share with her, and few understand me the way she does. God knows what I did to have an awesome friend like you.
I think for the first time in all these years Im gonna write something for Velina too. Velina and I met on the first day of college in FYJC. We exchanged glances but that was it, I didnt actually get a chance to hang out with her till a couple of months later. I remember her telling me she used to like me till she found out I was dating my ex. She and I had a helluva lot of fun in FYJC times and I really wish I could go back to those days. I knew she always loved me and I knew that always did too, so the relationship with her was bound to happen. It did and it was one of the happiest times Ive seen. It was beautiful while it lasted, and like all good things it ended too. Ive seen pretty faces after she went away, I met a few interesting girls too, but I havent clicked with anyone the way we used to. And well till I find someone who does come upto that level, Im gonna stay single. The relationship with her taught me a lot, believe me it did, and thanks to it I know what to look for in an ideal partner ( or atleast I think I do). After what we had, I wont compromise for anything lesser. Thanks for everything we had, and everything that we have right now despite all the history.
This year (2006-07), I spent a majority of my time with my new friends Amu, Noella and Poornima and the rest of the 'family' (which didnt exactly go down well with my older friends). Well, regardless my old friends still mean a lot to me and I still love them. The 'family' and I have had some insane times together, we too have had our highs and lows. But from being a group in michelle's lit. class to an inseperable bunch we sure have come a long way. And well we still do have a long way to go, but Im looking forward to every bit of it.
Last and definitely not the least Id like to mention Divya. She isn't a familiar name to everyone I guess. She used to write on this blog a long time ago as the 'Deetster'. Dee is one of the closest friends I have, and I really dont know how to define my friendship with her and its best that I dont, because no one would really understand it besides the two of us. All Im gonna say is that you are one of the most important people in my life and I really dont know how else to put it.
All the friends that Ive mentioned above have seen different shades of me in different times. Some know the current me, some think they know the current me, some arent around as much now, some arent even around anymore, but in their own time and place they have all been special to me and have been instrumental in me growing up into whatever I am today.
Thanks a lot for everything we've shared and everything we will share in the future. I may not be the same person I was, but change isnt always a bad thing now is it?
Am gonna end this post now. This post sure brought back a lot of memories for me, and I hope it does the same for you, and if it does, please acknowledge it with a comment. It would mean a lot to me...
Thanks a lot...
Paras

3 Years Already? at Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Here's an article I wrote for our College Magazine 'The Wilsonian'

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Its amazing how Wilson College, (a place that I didn’t even know existed till one of my cousins told me about it) has become an inseparable part of my life over the last 3 years. Back in 2004, I like many of my peers wished to join St. Xavier’s College and it seemed to me as if nothing else could impress me. But with Wilson’s it was love at first sight. One look at the great stone structure poised bang opposite the beach and Xavier’s was went flying off my wish-list. I had made my mind Wilson’s was the place for me! The first two years of college though memorable passed by before I knew it. When it was time decide where I wanted to do my Bachelors degree, I didn’t even think twice before picking Wilson’s.

Considering that I had practically spent most of the last two years in college, I thought that I had seen all that was to be seen at this institution. But this time around I was to see a totally different side of Wilson’s. I was thrown off balance on the first day itself when I could not manage to spot a single familiar face in class. To add to my confusion, the time table pointed to previously unheard of classrooms such as M-1 and M-2 (which I later discovered were at Mackichan Hall).Another major hurdle for me was the early morning timings. I being a staunch follower of Garfield loved each and every minute of my morning sleep, but failure to attend would result in a dreaded ATKT and I had already heard one too many horror stories about that rule to take any chances with it. The next two months were spent acclimatizing to the new setting. By the time we reached the terminal exams, I was attending college on auto-pilot. For the first time in over 2 years, I went for one whole term without bunking college to go for a movie (quite an achievement considering my run-ins with the attendance rule over the last two years). But like they say every dark cloud has a silver lining. In my case, the silver lining came in the form of the new friends I made in class. God knows how I would have made it through without them.

By the time the first term exams ended, we were all ready to enjoy our much needed break. But within the first week of the vacation I was dying to go back to college. After what seemed like a never ending October, I came back for Term 2 of FYBA. Fortunately, there were fewer lectures and more events which meant that it was time to celebrate! Friendship day, Tie day, Traditional day, Bazaar day and God knows what else. All we needed was an excuse to celebrate. After a month full of celebration inside and outside college, it was time for the Christmas holidays (which came and went by before one could say ‘Merry Xmas’). And now, unbelievable as it may seem another year is about to end.

The year has definitely been the most memorable I have spent at this institution. The memories I take back are as varied as Prof. Randeria’s early morning psychology lectures to making clay frogs till the late hours for the Nature Club exhibition.

With three down and two more years to go, I can’t even begin to imagine what Wilson’s holds for me in the next two years. But the previous years have taught me to expect the unexpected. So I guess Ill wait and watch while this wonderful institution surprises me…yet again!

Walk On! at Thursday, January 11, 2007

"For the Last year and a half
I walked out on familiar faces
Had to cut some losses
Learned to never be complacent" *

I was walking the other day, my mind fixated on everything else but the road. Where I was going, why I was headed that a way, and was I even on the right path seemed irrelevant for the time being. I walked on, without a single familiar face in sight. Had everyone else left me behind or had I walked too far ahead without realising there was no one behind me? I couldnt tell anymore, frankly I couldnt care lesser. My only two constant companions were silence and obscurity. And to be honest with 'friends' like those two, who needs anything else? A few people approached me saying that they knew me. I couldnt recognise them anymore. At times their voices sounded familiar but their faces were unknown. On other occassions, I waited for God knows how long for the voiceless familiar faces to say or do something. What was going on? Was I dreaming? Or was this my nightmare coming alive? Whatever it was I couldnt face it. I ran, ran with all my remaining strength. Till I finally ran out of energy. I could no longer run. The road started spinning and 360 degrees of blurred images were in my face. I somehow held myself together to see a fresh batch of friendly faces. Maybe things would change now....maybe

"The world can be so cold
When you step into the unknown
The streets all look familiar
That just multiplies the danger" *

With my new found companions I gallantly marched into the unknown. I didnt have anything to go back to anyway. These guys were all I had now and they didnt look like the types who would desert me. Soon enough we hit a roadblock. To move ahead I had to cross a river. A raging one, which looked like it meant business.
I said to myself, 'No way on earth am I going to make it across this one." but my posse said that I could if I tried.
"But I dont even know how to swim guys. What if I drown or something?"
"Move on" they told me.
"I'm in no hurry of killing myself . Theres so much I want to see and do. I'm not risking my future over this!"
"Dont worry about the future, it will come soon enough. Dont worry about the past, you can't change it anyway. Whatever happened, happened for the best. Be thankful that you are still standing and move on. We're right behind you." Thus saying they pushed me in without warning. I was barely able to keep my head above water, but they said, "Nothing will go wrong trust us!"
Yeah right! Easy for you to say, Im the one splashing around with no idea whether I will stay afloat or go under, Not you. And you say trust us? How can you even have any idea what Im facing when your not even with me a 100%? Stop kidding yourself! Kind words dont save a drowning man, a helping hand might do the trick. But it seemed like they didnt even want to listen. They thought they had done all that they needed to do. With their respective consciences no longer at loggerheads with them, they walked away certain that they'd 'played their parts well'.


"I found that true friends may be
The ones you rarely hear from
Cause many said they'd be here
But now they can't be found" *

What? Where did they disappear? They were right here a second ago, egging me on and now they were gone? But how could it be? This time I knew for sure that I had trusted the right people. Did I do something wrong to anger them? Or did I trust the wrong people again? No no, that couldnt be. These guys were for real, they wouldnt leave me at a time like this. They'll be back soon enough. I just have to be a bit patient and a bit more optimistic. But for now, I need to get across this river before it sucks me in.

"Looked right into the mirror
Face down all my fears
I will rise above!" *

Throwing all my fears aside for that moment, I decided to face the river head on! And surprisingly enough I made it through. Imagine! My worst fear was realized and I faced it and lived to tell it. No longer was I a slave to my fears. I excitedly looked around to share the news with my companions, but they never showed up. Once again I asked myself, did they leave me behind or did I move ahead too fast? Thus I walked on all alone yet again with no idea where I was going. I stopped and thought to myself. "Whoa! Ive come so far ahead. The enemies in my past must be so far behind now that they arent even a relevant threat anymore. Anyway, they couldnt scare me, I already fought down my worst fears. And if I walk ahead long enough, Im sure Ill find new companions just like the last time!Why then am I afraid of being alone, afraid that more dangers may await me, afraid of not knowing where I am headed or whether or not I will ever find my destination? Where did these questions come from anyway? I was just pointlessly walking along, wasnt I? Well I guess thats what I'll do then! Just keep moving ahead. Thats all Ive been asked to do, everything else is a perk or a momentary discomfort. But isnt it all part of the journey?" I smiled and shook my head, what I thought of as just a walk had taught me so much, yet it taught me nothing I didnt already know. I mean after all, all I had to do was walk!

"Never Mind.....Forget it
Just Memories...On a Page Inside a Spiral Notebook" ^

* Lyrics from 'Rise Above' by Adema from the album 'Planets'.
^ Lyrics from 'Forget It' by Breaking Benjamin from the album 'We Are Not Alone'

New Post in a New Year! at Friday, January 05, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. Happy New Year to everyone. Hope everyone has a great year ahead....yada yada yada. Lets get back to more important things viz. my post. Yup, so lets begin where we last left off...'Hopes and Fears'....hmm well, that was a while back and allow me to fill all of you in between what happened from then to now if I may.....

So what did I do all December? No seriously, WHAT DID I DO ALL DECEMBER? I didnt even realise I was gone for over a month. But anyway let me begin to attempt to recollect. Hmm for starters winter finally began to kick in and boy were we thankful for it after extended October heat. Well lets begin with Tie and Saree Day that is if I remember the whole day correctly. And motivational speaker Nick Vujicic visited our college and delivered a simple talk to us. No 14 day 'Change your life' plans, no self-advertisement...nothing of that sort! He just narrated his own story without asking for any pity or sympathy, and well he doesnt need any. He's more resilient than most of us 'normal people' put together. Hats off to you Nick, your talk helped me through one of my hard times. You're talk made me realise how trivial my troubles were and despite everything else, there is still an abundance of love on earth. That aside we took like a thousand pictures on that day and had tonnes of fun. Yours truly got a compliment or two as well. Thanks a lot to all my 'admirers' whoever and wherever you are (*wink wink*).
Hmm well, what next you ask....Well we continued to have fun in college with all our friends.
On December 8, we had 'Club Nite' in college, and we all danced, yes we all danced, even Oscar and I danced. We really had a blast and that set the tone for the rest of the month which had tonnes of parties in it, but still not enough.
'The family' as we like to call ourselves is had a great time all December and despite the fact that most of us (in other words except for Amu) are single and bored of it, we had a blast in the holiday season!

Random Classifieds Ad
'The Family' needs single guys and girls from ages 18-21 who meet the following requirements:
Requirements for guys:Should be cute, Should be nice, should be SINGLE, should not ask for committment, and should not be any of the things that may or may not be mentioned here. (Hope that helps).
Requirements for girls: Should be pretty, should be responsive (dont make us guys do all the work now), should be successful to capture our attention for more than a week, should be atleast five feet four inches tall, should not be either too comfortable with committment nor too shy.

Also not to mention, selection is at the sole discretion of 'The Family' if anyone does not approve of you, you will be thrown out. You have to get everyone and I mean everyone to like you.

Anyway, classifieds aside. Lets continue, I went for like 3 Xmas parties, one at YMCA, the other at Amu, Noe and Rohit's church and the third wasnt an Xmas party it was Noella's Bday. She turned 18 and we gave her enough reasons to remember the day. Like for example we bought in two complete strangers to sing 'Happy Birthday' for her.
Speaking of Xmas gifts, I got the following gifts:
1) A DVD of The Newsboys (which I still havent watched).
2) 13 of my favorite CDs courtesy my Aunt in the USA.
3) A pass to the Delirious? Concert from Christine.
4) Another Cake from Oscar as a gift (I still dont call it a gift).

In other news my cousin brother came down from the USA after 2 years and his younger brother left for the USA for a year lol. Talk about musical chairs.
I was down with an upset tummy for a couple of days in the last week of December and then finally came New Years. For the second year in a row, my new year began in Oscar's church (well it was a different church). And after listening to the worship band play 'Rain Down' by Delirious? for the umpteenth time we headed to Andheri station at 1 am in the nite and caught the last official train for the night at 1.40 am. There was a full on party inside the compartment, and it was really a sight you can see only in Mumbai! After the train ride, we headed to Samantha's (aka Sam the disprin addict) place for a party, which featured more dancing (including the now famous Oscar's Nagin Dance Step), and embarassing games (such as Ducky Ducky and 'Poor Pussy' to name a few). Another fun time, and a great way to ring in the new year. We also met a 'pirate' called Captain Jack and his wench (also called Wife). The crew (us) was supposed to have a party at Captain Jack's deck but since we were too tired we decided to take a hike instead. Also the captains wifey was ready to make him walk the plank if he forced us to dance anymore.
That brings us to January, on the 3rd it was Poornima's 19th Birthday. WE had a nice lunch at her place courtesy her mom, and had a lot of lets say interesting conversations. Happy Birthday Poornima!
Yesterday we went to Letty's place, and yes there was more dancing (fortunately no Oscar Nagin Dance this time, neither did I dance). After that we played in Letty's garden and had a flashback to childhood. Here are somethings I realised yesterday:
1) Jiving makes most girls dizzy.
2) Noella loves carpets.
3) Letty has an awesome place.
4) I can swing really high!
5) I suck a little lesser but still a lot at Table Tennis.
6) No matter how old you get, you will still hurt yourself at a garden.
7) See-Saws should come with seat-belts.
8) None of us are really as old as we should be!

That brings me to the present day. I woke up late this morning and decided to skip college. I did practically nothing today, went for a meeting in the evening and now Im making a post abt all that I did in the last month or so.
I know theres a lot I covered (and a lot I missed too)...so heres a recap and after that the credits.
Okay, here goes...
Tie day, club nite, christmas parties, Noella's bday, classifieds ads, new years, poornimas bday and letty's place...thats all we covered.
Other imp. stuff......
I had a crush but now its gone and Im still single...YAY (Yawn). Everyone else I know is still single, and the ones in relationships are still in relationships. I shopped all my outfits for my bro's wedding and hmm yea thats about all I want to cover now.

Credits:
Special Thanks To:
The Gangue Team Crew ( Oscar,Joel,Bintu,Eben,Adley and Me).
'The Family' (Amu, Noe,Poornima,Sam,Su,Letty,Rohit,Osci, Georgie and Me).
College Pplz.
Chaddi aka Christine.
Divya aka Dee (for putting up with me this long).
And everyone else who I havent mentioned.

Love y'all...
See ya,
Pazz

Are You Unforgiven Too? at Friday, January 05, 2007

Well for once I'm going to say nothing and the let the lyrics do the talking.

Song: The Unforgiven II.
Artist: Metallica.

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there!

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it!

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
(So I dub thee unforgiven)

Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known!

I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After All Said and Done
I Dub Thee 'Forgiven'

Hopes and Fears at Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's been a month since college re-opened (well almost a month) and once again college has been successful in taking my mind off my troubles. Theres so much happening there on a daily basis that you rarely get time to sit down and think about any of it, let alone write about it. But today I feel like writing again so here I am before you. For those of you who didnt know already I had a break-up about a month ago and the same time last month was one of the hardest times I have faced in a while now, probably the worst part of an otherwise awesome year, but its okay Im not complaining. As I look back to last month, I feel lucky to be as composed as I am right now. I cant stress enough how much everyone around me has helped in this. Everytime I had a rough patch, I'd turn inwards first and then talk to my friends and thankfully each time I had someone who could relate to what I was feeling or atleast lend a patient listening ear. Past experiences have helped a lot to make this time easier for me.
But what strikes me the most is the way God has helped me through this and continues to do so everyday. There was no one person in particular who I ran to everytime something was wrong and even when I did turn to people for help the help didnt come in the way I expected it to. Instead of someone sitting me down and advising me what to do I saw people coming to me with the same problems as I was facing. And since I've thought about my problems at length I was equipped to help them deal with their troubles. So instead of someone offering me a solution, I found myself giving those solutions to people. And seeing that they really appreciated the advise and that it genuinely helped them through a rough patch made me feel that I too could overcome. Funny how life teaches you things sometimes.
Ive found inspiration in the most unlikely places and believe it or not it has helped me. Whether it was sitcoms like Scrubs and Friends, or Philosophy, or the very songs I listened to day in and day out on my discman, there were always some pearls of wisdom that I could take from various places and each time I found something like that I felt like someone watching over me was smiling and I'd look up and thank my guardian angels...or whatever it was that was helping me!
The fact that I stand here today, without any pain or hatred in my heart speaks for itself. And I'm hopeful that I will get through this phase too. I have the right people to talk to when I need to. I've found some really close friends in some really unlikely people notably amrita and poornima. At first I thought me and Amu were poles apart, but it seems that though we are different people, we are not so different after all. I learn from her and sometimes helping her with her problems helps me see things in better light. The other friend would be Poornima; though I could relate to her quietness around new people, I never thought she would open up to me. But she did and though she is still quiet sometimes, I know that our friendship means a lot to her. The same would apply for Amu. Noella has always been there with unbiased, frank opinions which were not always what I'd like to hear but were honest opinions. Nice to know that there are still people left who like to tell it like it is and expect others to do the same.
I am not one to express myself so literally. Usually I'd make a general statement like the previous 2 posts, but I dont really care who reads this anymore ( I dont mean that in an offensive way to anyone. Its just that I feel I am getting to that point where I can write with no readers in mind).
Things are going surprisingly well and well I fear that I might jinx it by making this post. I'm really glad I've made new close friends but I'm afraid I'll lose them too. Somehow my worst fears have a knack of catching up with me. I'd love to thank Divya for all the time she spent listening to me at my unstable best. (amu if ure reading this, I dont even have to put up with half of what I put her through). I know all these people have come into my life with a purpose, a good purpose and that I should hold them close while I still have them, but sometimes I feel scared that everyone I get close to may fade away like everyone else has.
I hope this post doesnt alienate my old pals, you guys still mean a lot to me. I know I may not have devoted enough time to everyone and have spoken the wrong things to the wrong people, but please dont judge me for that.
Once again I apologize to all those who have been burdened by me. I hope this posts offends none, because I hold no negativity towards anybody (well maybe some people, but they arent relevant anymore. Maybe I should work on that too....)
Anyway, I dont know if this post means anything to anyone out there....but well like I said, I do this for the love of it. Nothing else matters....

A New Chapter at Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Well I guess everyone knows what's been up with me over the last few weeks. It's been hard yes, but Im still standing and thankful for that. The last few weeks have taught me a quite a few things, and Ill mention some of those things:

• Everything must come to and end sooner or later. Whether it ends nicely or in an ugly way or whatever, there's always an end to everything in life (ultimately life itself ends.)
  
• Everything in life is transitory. In other words, stuff keeps changing all the time for better or for worse. Some of it may seem bad at first, but may soon turn out be good for the bigger picture. Eventually stuff falls into place and things start to make sense.
• Life is one big lesson in 'letting go'. Dont want to sound preachy here. But yeah, life is like a training ground for letting everything go for whatever awaits us after life. The more we cling to people/things/pleasures the harder it becomes for us to let go of them which we eventually have to someday. I dont mean to say that one should not get close to anyone simply because everything must end, I'm saying when its time to let go of something, do it. It will be hard, it will hurt and it will take a while to get over the whole thing, but you have to do it because life doesnt come with options, it just gives us situations.
• The end of one phase doesnt mean the end for good. Its nothing but a transition into another phase of life, which like the other phases will have its own fair share of joys and sorrows.
• Dont hold on to negativity. Anger and hatred are like last nights leftovers. Theyre all from the past. The longer you hold on to them the uglier theyre gonna get. And well eventually they take a toll on yourself more than anyone else. So vent your anger if you have to, make your discontent apparent while there is time. Negativity is definitely not something you'd want to keep with you for long.
• When you're down, talk to people about it. No one's problems are unique, or atleast your not the only one in the world with problems. So talk to people, it helps. Its like a safety net, spread it wide and when u fall, it makes sure you bounce right back up.
  
• And lastly, learn from the past, but dont live in it. The good ol' days, the darkest times you've ever faced, or just random memories are all in the past. They came, they happened and they're gone never to come back. Be thankful for all that you were fortunate enough to enjoy and stop feeling bad over things that didnt turn out the way you wanted them to. Theyre gone now. All you can do is make sure you dont repeat the same mistakes you made. Situations may strikingly resemble each other, but that doesnt mean the same failures will take place again. If you're facing deja vu, use your past experience as your guide.

A big thank you to everyone who's been looking out for me. Ozz, joe, bin, eben, christine, noella, poornima, divya, jenny, sheila and everyone else I spoke to.....thanks a lot for hearing me out and thanks for all the advice. Stuff will be okay soon, I know it will....
Thats all for now.....
Laters,
Pazz

TRUST at Friday, October 27, 2006

'Is it you,
Is it me,
Is it us,
Or is it TRUST!'
Adema - Trust

Trust - its something that matters a lot in life. We need to trust so many things; trust our abilities, trust family, trust friends, trust your lovers/spouses , trust co-workers, trust the government, trust the premordial goodness of people......and TRUST GOD!
Trust implies fully believing in somebody/something without a shadow of a doubt. And well its a two way process. Part one, you need to be willing to trust others and part two others should be trustworthy and live up to your trust. These two parts dont come one after the other, they co-exist, if one part is missing than the other is pointless.
I could be the most trustworthy person out there, but if you choose not to trust me, then its just not gonna work. Similarly, I can put all my trust in you, but if you dont live upto my trust, a problem arises again. All of us have been guilty of either one or both of these things.
Let's first look at whether we want to trust in the first place...
Okay firstly we need food, so we need to trust the fact that food is out there, we need sleep, so we need to sure that there is no danger around so we can go to sleep, we need sex and that should ideally involve having to love and trust a person too. We need affiliation, which would imply having that one person who you can trust come what may. We need social acceptance, so at some point we need to trust other people in society. We also need knowledge, so we need to trust the source of our information. When it comes to religion, we need to trust that God is always there for us and everything happens for the best. And finally, if we cannot trust anybody/anything, we would go insane for sure. Take my word on that.
So I can say with some degree of certainty that Yes, we as humans want to TRUST....

The second part however is the tricky one. Trusting is risky, we need to know who to trust, how much to trust them etc. Human beings have been screwed over so many times that trusting is a tough job indeed. Theres suffering all over the world, so one finds it hard to trust GOD. There's poverty, unemployment, corruption and what nots, so we cannot trust the system. Theres adulteration of food, so we cant even trust foodstuffs now. We have family members killing each other and screwing each other over, add that to the list as well. Did I mention divorces, extramarital affairs, cheating on your partner, lying,stealing, back stabbing and the likes...
Well you get the picture, right?

'Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well,
Sometimes I feel like just screaming at myself,
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didnt know,
Sometimes I need to be alone....'
Linkin Park - Don't Stay

I am at a point in my life where I dont know who or what to trust. I maybe pessimistic, but believe me, I have reasons to be so. I wish I could trust someone enough to tell them all that was going on, but when your deepest beliefs are shaken to the core, you cant really have faith in anyone.

"I know it's hard to keep an open heart; When even friends seem out to harm you.."
Guns N' Roses - November Rain

Dont ask me what's up, I wont tell. I wish I could, but I just cant. Dont take this personally if you're reading this, I'll tell you when I feel it's time.
All I know right now is that writing helps me feel better, and right now it sure is helping. I dont know if everything happens for the best, but I do know everything happens for a reason. Right now, I dont know whats going on and I dont know the reason either. I want the truth, but I dont know if I can take it.....

'If I gave you the truth would it keep you alive'
Seether - Truth

I know I have friends who will help me out through tough times. I know my family will too. I know God's looking out for me too. I know I need to be strong, but on days like these, it just gets too hard.
I want to trust, I want to believe, I want to put my faith in other people, just dont let me down, thats all I ask. The only one I trust right now is God: God whose always been there and always will......

'Daddy here I am again,
Will you take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry'
Casting Crowns - Prodigal

With this I end, hoping tomorrow will make things better, because at the end of the day, its hope that keeps me going on....

Just another post.... at Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Im bored, tired, world weary and sleepless. I'm not in the festive mood at all. I wasnt excited about Diwali approaching either like every year. Not depressed or anything, just saying that I didnt feel the kind of child like excitement we used to have as kids. Maybe it's bcoz all my cousins are either abroad or caught up in their own thing. Life........kya bolega, gotta take it as it comes.
Missing the daily grind now, atleast I wasnt idle during college times. Thats what I need activity, something to keep my brain occupied, distracted, whatever.
Theres lots going on which I choose not to post. Kind of surreal, but well it's still all fact. The past seems to be my solace and the cause of my troubles from time to time. The future is just blurry. Wish life was like the movie "Click", you could just fast forward some parts and go back to the good ones as u wished. But Im not signing a pact with ol' Morty anytime soon.
Wanna take some time out to thank everyone who's been kind enough to hear me out when I needed them. Feel fortunate that atleast I'm not alone.
Dont worry about me, there's someone looking out for me who's got something in mind which I will know pretty soon. Thank you for everything Ive been fortunate enough to recieve, and yeah, help me keep things under control. Help me be humble enough to appreciate all that I recieve from you and from the people who come into my life through you and help me be strong to get through that which is not under my control.
Negativity is not something I want to hold on to. I may blow my top sometimes, but believe me when I say this, I dont want to be filled with anger and hatred towards anyone.
Though I may feel that life is sometimes unfair to me, I must also see that life has also given me more than I ever expected. As I commence another chapter in my life, I know you are with me just like you were at all times.
That very hope gets me through each new day and its challenges.
Life gives us situations, not options, and you walk with me every step of the way through each situation. Thank you for loving me, and thank you for teaching me how to love.
Sorry if this post is ambiguous, but then again arent all my posts like that?

To borrow Oscar's line

Its obvious ain't it?

So Here I Am Again... at Saturday, August 19, 2006

Let me begin by apologizing for not having blogged for all this while. The stat on blogger said I hadn't logged into make a post since July or something, I'm really sorry for that, I miss writing here and its not that hard to put up a post atleast once a week. Even Christine manages that with her back-breaking schedule...So I promise to atleast try to blog here more often.
Another thing I'd like to say is that, I still prefer blogger over wordpress, so if Im gonna blog its gonna be here, Oscar can do the transfer part....

Well where do I begin?
College started like a month ago with full flow and its a whole lot of fun. Unfortunately it takes up most of my time and after a day of waking up early, attending all the lectures, goin to ceto's etc, I do allow myself to be lazy and do pretty much nothing. I'm really sorry for that, I've totally cut myself off activities I enjoy the most, like going out with Velina, hanging out with the guys in IC, and of course...writing. Trust me I miss all of that, just that no one seems to have the time for it anymore and Im partly to blame too.
Though it is my third year in Wilson's, its a totally new world this year. No longer can I come to college and sit in the canteen or in and around the college without doing anything. Now there are people Im answerable to, classes that I HAVE TO attend (not like I didnt have to earlier, but attendance is too damn strict this year so cant afford to miss even the most monotonous lectures). Trust me, Im having fun in college. I love my subjects (except for FC which is Kkkhraap). Philo class brings out the thinkers in me and Oscar and Nalwalla Ma'am has taken note of that. Psychology as always never ceases to amuse (though the professor may bore a lot). We had our first lecture by Prof. Randeria and all I can say is that I have immense respect for the man. His energy levels can put some of our younger Professors to shame, his teaching is par excellence and the best thing about him is that he is very very organised and never in a foul mood. I really dont know how he manages to do that, but I have never seen him shouting at students in college. Perhaps our office staff should take a cue from him. Cant wait for more lectures by him...
In other news, I was selected for the student council as the Class representative of FYBA and now I feel like I can speak up and be heard and bring about a change for the better with the help of all my friends. Vandana is the new G.Sec of the Student's Council and I am really psyched for her. I think that with the right kind of support from the staff and the students we can bring about a much needed change in college. The rebel in me is starting to take the role of a reformer and I hope that through my efforts I can give back to college a small part of what it has given me.
Theres so many great things I've gained this year. I met new friends, I got closer to my old buddies, Im actually enjoying attending most of the lectures and not having to worry about being on the black-list and facing a pissed off teacher is so much of a relief. So far we havent had a tiff with any of our Professors (except for that incident with Mrs.Vadke, but then again she started that not me) and though going by the book may be boring at times, not having to worry about controversy gives you a whole lot of freedom as well. Im glad that so far this year the college has not been oppressive as far as rules go, I truly believe that this is the way to go because quite frankly, you cant try to discipline college students like school kids, you must treat them as grown ups (irrespective of whether they are matured or not). Thats the only way they will eventually mature, I mean how long are they gonna keep a watch on us, somewhere down the line we will have our freedom which we will be accountable for, might as well start in college which is a training ground for the real world. My spiritual growth is something that has helped me calm to a great extent. Im really glad that I made that trip to Vaishno Devi, I certainly came back a different person. I know that all of us still dont agree as far as faith goes, but the heartening fact is that all of us have strong faith in God. What our interpretation of God is maybe different, but any path that leads to God is good, and Im sure no one can deny that all of us have matured for the better at least a little bit. Thank God for that!
Im really thankful to God for each and every little thing: I am thankful that I have you guys as friends, though we may have our tiffs we do make it a point to apologize and I really appreciate that, I thank God for Velina, she is a friend, a partner, a confidant and so much more... and though we may seem like 'distant cousins' (ahem), its just coz I dont discuss my relationship with her that openly. But, I really do love her and so does she and we're really happy together. Only if we could meet a bit more often. Im really happy that the situation at home is cool, last year was one of the toughest testing times we saw as a family and Im glad we rose and overcame that. Its great to see my bro (who at one point lived by his own standards) as a responsible,settled guy. His fiancee is really good person and I cant wait till she becomes a part of our family.
I know that college life and the PUKAR project are leaving very little time for other things, but give us sometime and you'll see the fruits of our efforts. Im sure that all that attending will benefit us one way or the other. So even though theres so many things that I cant do now theres tonnes of things that Im thankful for...
Thank God and Thank each and everyone mentioned in this post,
You make it all worth it at the end of the day...
Pazz

Enter Tommorow, Exit Today, It's Time For The Past To Go Away. at Sunday, June 25, 2006

Let me start of by saying sorry for not posting anything for about two weeks now. We let our faithful audience down(Breaks down into Phake Tears) The Gangue Team Crew has been very busy with Indizoo India. but you're trusty ol' donkay is back to entertain you with a new post. Yesterday was our "Re-orientation" into college. The programme began with the words, "Welcome to This Orientation (Dis-Orientation rather)." There were times we cudnt stop laughing at how shoddily it was done. (FYI THERE ARE TIGERS IN WILSON COLLEGE!! For more contact Nature Club). Our new college year will start on a Wednesday (IN URE FACE MONDAY). And as one year gives way to another Id like to take this oppurtunity to look back at times gone by (This wud be like Metamorphosis of Malyalee Manav (but on a wider scale since it will focus on all ure pals in college. Not necessarily as funny as Meta though.Mebbe more mebbe less.) So join me as I time travel into the past.

Two college years have come and gone and it still feels like yesterday that we walked into college for orientation (Not yesterdays Orientation, FYJC Wise Guy!). And boy have we seen a lot go down in the last two years. Ill try to mention everything I remember from the past two years. Starting Now(ie. July 2004)
The First time I met Oscar was at the college accounts department, we were paying our fees for the first year and immediately recognised each other as Assisians(theres just something about us that gives it away). On orientation day we met Nelson(Shit Head) who was a classmate of mine from school and fellow mallu for oscar. Another guy who joined in was Avinash(Fat Ass) and of course Goregaon Uncle(Anish). This was basically our group before the 'girls' stepped in. At one point there were ten guys and no girls in our 'group' and apart from myself all the 'guys' were single so it was a pretty desperate situation there. Then fat ass fell for the Goat formerly known as Andrea. And Andrea fell for Nelson. Andrea hung out in college with only 1 girl at that time Arlette(The Cat) and Nelson fell for Arlette. The fall-out of all of this was pretty disastrous. Around the same time I was cold shouldered by everyone for about 2 months. But during this time, Arlette the cat fell for Joshua leaving Nelson heart-broken. Andrea jumped at this leaving Avinash heart broken (he actually drew broken hearts all over his notebook that said Avinash loves no-one). But then nelson turned andrea down, which left andrea heart broken. ENTER MALYALEE MANAV!!! He patched things between them and voila Nat Geo aka Nelson and Andrea were a couple. He was also instrumental in bringing Animal Planet aka. Arlette and Joshua together. End Result, Avinash thrown out and everyone realises that he was the bad guy and not me so they warm up to me.
In the meantime, I became friends with Kash, Blondie(Prapti), Vio and Velina. On friendship day all of us went to CCD (newly opened back then) and there we met Becky and Luanne (Oscar had a crush on her.....hands), they too joined us and there we were ONE HUGE GROUP. But as you know these things never last, over the next few months Nelson and Andrea were bumped off and they joined Avinash's clique (he made it to counter us). Arlette and I had a fight and never got along(Neither did the others except oscar). And all that was left was ozz,vio,vel,blondie,becky,luanne,kash and me (goregaon uncle joined in when he was in college). Sometime in the first year (read the first day of college) velina started to like me but I was not single. I was in a relationship with whats-her-name and vel made it her mission to make sure that me and whats-her-name broke up. Around the same time a girl from avinash's counter-clique called Upasana fell(and HOW!!) for me, and after the christmas holiday's velina and upasana joined forces to make sure that I got dumped. (Actually vel helped upasana 'get with' me). Upasana turned out to be well *ahem* CRAZY!! No I mean she was CRAZY, not like funny crazy, but 'Ill make a lamp shade with ure hide' Crazy!! But fortunately she left college the same year(or killed herself I hope). And that was that for year no. 1 in college.
Enter Year No.2......Luanne and Kash flunked FYJC so cross them out, and the rest of the guys threw me and Oscar out of the group so Osci and I started the year as freelancers (the exact day we parted ways with the group was the drunken disaster aka. Velina's Birthday).
One of the days early on in SYJC we met Christine, she was pestering Sam to buy her a Choco-Fudge Cornetto and Sam wudnt budge(Bless Him). We also met up with Eben. We had met him earlier, but that time we had our 'group' and so did eben. But both 'groups' were non-existent, so we started hanging out with eben (who was hanging out with Christine). Also there was Joel (we met him back in FYJC on his Birthday, he didnt know us then, but he paid for our tickets so what the heck). And thats how we entered our current "Gangue".
(That brings me to the end of the John Grisham Like Introduction).
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Our current Cast is Estaben Sanchez (Eben), Julio Macho (Joel), Fabio (Binoy), Carlos Sanchez (Oscar) and Francisco Atractivo (Yours Truly the Donkay).
Our Suppoting Cast is
Chaddi (Christine Jhoni), Sam, Marc(He sang to me) Anthony, Chadda(Justin), Adley Lopes (A.Lo) and Amiel Lopes (WWAD),Vandie Man (Vandana), Karkada (Esther), Party Party (Daphne) (Dunno if thats how the name is spelt).

Memorable times from Last Year.

• Infinite times when we joked around in the canteen.
• Packawing Priyal about Bank of Baroda.(One of Sam's finest performances).
• Free Lipton Ice Tea distribution in canteen. (We gave them horrible reviews. Mine was "Tastes like Moose Piss".)
• The inaugration of the Psychology Association: Yet another memorable performance by Sam. But Marc stole the show. No he literally stole the show, he stepped in before he was supposed to and stole everyone else's lines. This left Eben and Sam no choice but to ad-lib. The most memorable quote from that play was this.......Sam: Hey are you coming with us to watch....umm......Titanic (The whole audience burst out at that).
• Working for Live Wire: This was one of the most enjoyable experiences we had in the last year. This was also the time the term "Gangue Team Crew" was coined. There were jokes all over the place such as Samson feeling all happy about the responsibility he had,"V Will Rock You" and many others, but the one that caught on like the flu was Amiel's "Lets Finish Practice soon, I have pracs tomorrow).
• Christine's B'day: On this day we teased Christine like nobody's business. We did a record breaking 1 hr of back to back "Sodnaar Nahi" Jokes. Christine's b'day card was a story in itself. Sam delivered yet another great performance at Mamma Mias, with his 'Mein Bahut Pareshan Thaa......twisty straw act). But the moment that took everyone's breat away was even Christine was tugging at something/someone and her Brand new watch fell off. To this day we all remember the whole canteen shouting 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhh' in unision.
• The train rides we've had all thru the year have been another highlight: I remember one sad joke session we had on the way back home on a rainy day.(That was when I unleashed my Baburao series of sad ones. As a result I became one of the heirs to Sam's Sad Joke King Title. Other heirs are Eben, Joel and Sadley umm I mean Adley). Another one which no one can forget was "Samarth and the abbreviated Taxes" (we actually made him believe that he was liable to pay a tax called PMS!!). Also on the list of great episodes was Christine Doing a make-over on Sam (Apparently, Sam's T-section is too oily, but all thanks to christine that was taken care of).
  
• Crazy Times at Oscar's Place: A lot of stuff has happened at Oscar's place last year. Significant events are as follows:

1. Oscar realizing that he had 'a small thing' for Ishrat (Queenie. Boy Do We Miss You!!) .
2. Us realizing that Zinnia could not provide us with the blood of a virgin wench(Viking talk).
3. Us performing liposuction on oscar's *ahem* upper body with a plunger.
4. Joel scaling Oscars kitchen wall using the same plunger.
5. Us attacking Zinnia with sharp objects (Good times with weapons).
6. Oscar sharing a bed and a blankie with Zinnia (Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww)
7. Zinnia kissing Oscar and Eben after proudly proclaiming, "Everyone here gets a kiss".

• Harry Potter Part 4 x 2: You must be wondering Why the x2? Well at first oscar went for this movie with Zinnia, (the same day when she said, "Last time I went for a movie with a guy we were making out"). The very next day Oscar begged me to join him, Ishrat and her friend for Harry Potter. He even paid for my ticket! Throughout the movie I realized the following:

1. Harry Potter SUCKS!!
2. Sterling Theatre has a nice looking ceiling.
3. Oscar cannot flirt.
4. Oscar doesnt know that he cant flirt. (There was a time when oscar was hitting on ishrat big time and she said, "So much for modesty eh!" Oscar DID NOT GET IT!!

• Double dates at MammaMias: I got together with Velina on 22nd November last year, the same day Oscar and Ishrat hooked up. We double dated quite often at Mammamias. Boy those were good times!! Especially New years eve when I gifted oscar and ishrat flavored chapstick.

Thats about all I can recall right now. Im sure Ive missed out on a lot and Im sorry for that.
The last two years have been the best times of my life so far. Everyone's come a long way and whats cool is that we are back in Wilsons for 3 more years! So you can expect a lot more.......
Come Wednesday we start yet another epic year in Wilsons. God alone knows what we have in store for us.............
But fear not, I shall keep you posted on the ongoings,
So Until next time this is ||PazzTheWiseDonkay|| signing off,
Dont stop reading this blog (In other words Sodnaar Nahi!!)
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Yet another useless creation by the Gangue Team Crew

Thank You at Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Just wanna thank you for all that you have done for me during the last few days. You know who you are!

The Voice Inside My Head. at Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I don’t quite know what it is that makes me write like this, but the feeling is beyond words. It takes me in like a trance, a different level of thinking altogether. All I know is that its something beyond my understand, something I cannot comprehend no matter how much I learn about heaven and hell and so on and so forth, its something I cannot describe no matter how well I word it. The same feeling is taking over me at this point, it’s happened twice before, once when I wrote ‘Introspection’ the other was when I was going on a pilgrimage to Goddess Vaishno Devi’s Shrine in Jammu in March. This isn’t about religion, it isn’t about the goddess herself, nor did it take place at her shrine, it was a good 3-4 kms away from it in the cramped backseat of a car in cold weather (a lot colder than I am used to). Yet there was a feeling of calm, a soothing feeling, almost as if I was at peace with the world.

I have grown a lot in the last year in terms of personality and spirituality.I have been very confused, restless and curious about things like God, life, after life, heaven, hell, karma, monotheism and the likes. The highest point in this phase would be the time when I did my ‘Introspection’ blog, my friends thought I was losing it, some thought I was finding my ‘savior’ and what not. The Gita, the Bible and various other religion related things gave me a part of what I needed to know but there was still a whole lot of unanswered questions in my head. And in that very cramped backseat I got the answers to the questions that I thought would never be answered.

I felt that I didn’t even know who I was, why I was born and what my purpose was. There were times I’d look myself in the mirror and ask would I recognize myself in a crowd? The answers came in the same fashion as the questions.

The voice inside began, ‘You’ll know who you are soon enough, there’s a purpose for you, you are a vital piece of the massive jigsaw puzzle that is the universe, there’s a reason why you are made so, and there is a reason why you were born where you were, there is a pattern that you take forth, and for that pattern to move ahead you must be what you are. Life isn’t about a bunch of randomly selected genes thrown together to make a combination, it is a journey that you take with me. I am not your master, I am your friend, I am walking with you not watching over you, I bought you here to teach you something, everywhere you go, I go with you. There are things I will need to show you, and there are other things I need you to see for yourself, but rest assured that nothing happens without my consent.
Everything happens for a reason, some things offer a momentary gain others a loss, but in the end, it shapes you into the form I want to see you in. Do not however think that you are tied down by my plan, destiny is only a part what you will be, it is like a destination, and how you get there is for both of us to see. I am with you, I am besides you, and I am a part of you. I love you like no other has. Call me what you may, I recognize you, your disguises don’t conceal who you really are. Actions do not have significance here as you do nothing without my consent; sometimes I let you have your will sometimes I make you reconsider it, but its all to teach you something. There are some things that you will learn easily, others will seem irrelevant to you for ages, but you must go through them to know what they are. I have not sent you away from my abode, I have come along with you to take you places and show you things so that you may realize your truth. But for the truth to make sense to you, there are things you must see and learn for yourself.
Not everyone understands the same thing in the same way. That is why, the uniqueness exists. If you were just like the rest what would be the point of you being born? You have your own place, always did and always will. If I started to bundle people as good or bad, what am I God for? Everyone has a destination, a destination that they will reach eventually. There are things you need to learn from the world, and there are things the world needs to learn from you. If it was just me telling the same thing to each individual, that would be brainwashing and not learning. That is why you meet other people, so they can teach you and be taught themselves, which is why you communicate. You are not alone here and you never will be. The same goes for everyone else. I am where you want to find me. You may think I am here, while that isn’t a lie, it is also true that I am everywhere else.
How do you think I am talking to you right now? Do you truly think it is your unconscious mind? Even if it was your unconscious mind, what do you think triggered it? An electrical impulse? What do you think that electrical impulse was? A fluke or a well planned move? Am I the person who you hear about in temples, churches and mosques? Yes I am! If you go to any of those places you will find me. But if you go away from it to your routine life I still am with you, who do you think gave you this routine life? Everyday is a lesson, it isn’t a bunch of random happenings, some of it will make sense to you, the others won’t because not every lesson is meant for you. Not every thing is aimed at you. I know there is something you are looking for, something that will complete you, and to be honest I cannot wait till you find that thing, for then you will truly understand each and every thing that happened to you.
You need not know everything, but I will tell you all that you need to know and all that you ask me for. If anyone else asks me to do the same I will do that for them too. To each his own. I am your creator, I am the immortal being that lives inside of you, I am the voice that is speaking to you. Notice how I speak in your own voice, in your own lingo. I do that for everyone else too. That means that everyone else is different and I am the same! No matter where you call out to me from, no matter what language it is, I can still understand you and always hear you. And though I stop speaking to you right now, I will return.
If you need me you know where to find me. I am at this shrine and every other place you go to. Just like everything else, there is a reason why I told you what I just did, and there is a reason why you will do things you do after I tell you this. You have a long way to go, a lot to see, a lot to show others, and there far too many things that we shall experience together. Is this the end of a chapter in your life? It may well be, but then again isn’t everyday the first day of the rest of your life? Like I said earlier, you are a part of a pattern, a pattern that stretches farther anything you can comprehend, so I tell you only as much as you can comprehend, but fear not I will never leave you unsatisfied, I will satiate your curiosities no matter what they are. Don’t worry about where you are headed, I know it and soon enough you will too!’

A bit of introspection at Saturday, March 11, 2006

Introspection............where have I heard this word before?? (Don't provide me with oxford's definition of the word, I know what it means).
We live in a huge strange world thats part of an equally if not more mysterious universe. Theres so much we know yet it pales in comparison with what we don't! Take our own human mind for example, you think you know yourself well eh?
Well answer this question for me..........Who are you??
No, I dont want to know you're name, I don't wanna know where you are from, I don't wanna know what you like or dislike, I want to know who you are........can you answer that for me??
Guess not!
Stranger still I don't know who the hell I am!!
I mean who am I?? Why was I born on this planet? Why was I born into my family?Why in this generation? What the hell is my purpose here? Why do I look like what I look like? If I wasn't me would I recognise this face in a crowd? Why did I meet the people I have met?
Why are they here? Will I find my true love? Did she leave me already? Am I with her? Will things change? Do I want things to change? Why the hell do things have to change? Is change good? Is change responsible for everything thats good? Have I changed? Is it me or everyone else has changed? Does anyone even have an answer to this? Why the hell am I writing this? Is there a hell? Will I go there? Do I even care if theres a heaven or a hell?
Why am I writing this if I was watching a sitcom fifteen minutes ago? Does anyone care? Am I a good human being? I probably am not, but do I know that for sure? Hell I dont even know that? Am I lost in this huge world? Wait how can I be lost Im sittin in my own room? But a year ago I didnt even know this room existed! How the hell is this my room? Are all these questions a fit of panic? Or are they the speculations of a deep mind? Does that last question even make sense? Why are my hands cold all of a sudden? Wait my hands are always cold what am I worried about? Why are my hands always cold? Is there something wrong with me? Am I going to die? If I knew I was gonna die could I do anything to stop it? Do I wanna die? Am I writing all of this because I'm mentally unstable? Was I mentally stable in the first place? I mean 15 mins ago I was watching a sitcom and now I'm asking myself if I deserve to be in a padded cell!! Wait that wasn't fifteen minutes ago that was half an hour ago, How did time pass so quickly? So am I quickly running to death or inching ever so slowly towards it? WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT DEATH? Is this me typing it? How would you know if its me or someone else for that matter? What if I stole this from someone else? and then again maybe I did not! Is this my conscious/semi conscious/ unconscious brain? Is there such a thing as a conscious/semi-conscious/unconscious brain? If a part of my brain is unconscious am I braindead? I probably am brain-dead no wonder these questions are so retarded? Where the hell is all this coming from? I swear I didnt prepare for this post. Hell half an hour ago I was watching a sitcom I didnt even know I would we writing this!! Have I said this already? Maybe I have? What the hell is the point of this post? What did i start this with? Is this making any sense? Then again does it have to make sense? Does something that makes sense to me make any sense to you? Does anyone understand me? Do I understand my own self? Do you understand your ownself? I wonder how many questions there are in this post? Will anyone bother reading this? Is this gonna be a part of huge black hole called the internet thats so vast that what I know about it pales in comparison with what I dont know?
OH MY GOD THIS SENTENCE WAS MY STARTING POINT!!!
This article is ME!!!
But do I even know who I am??